Bad Days

I try really hard to concentrate on the good days. I don't want to whinge about the state of things. I felt like I really had this whole motherhood thing under control, but now everything is spiralling. The worst part is, I thought today was going to be a good day.

I slept it a bit this morning as V slept in (on account of being very tired from not sleeping). I sent Chris out for his run and then V and I hung out with Kaiser for a while, who has finally come home from the vets. I decided to have a thorough read through his discharge notes and realised that I am meant to do his physio with him every 2 hours! This seems a little difficult to manage. Once I had V down for a nap, I did the physio, and then V was awake by the time I finished. Still, not a big deal.

I then went for a run. My longest run since I fell pregnant in fact. I think my pace was actually pretty good for me. The day was looking great. I envisaged getting home and sitting on the back deck with V and Kaiser and having a cup of tea. It was not to be.

When I got home V was in a bad mood. She had hardly slept. I managed to get her down for a nap eventually and we did more physio with Kaiser. I noticed Kaiser seemed very quiet, not really eating or drinking much and he started coughing, almost like he was going to vomit. Chris called the vet and they thought maybe he needed some antacids, so Chris had to go out to the chemist. It was about a 50minute round trip as all the local chemists were closed by this time. Just as he walked out the door, V woke up and it was the witching hour (or 2 hrs really). So I did everything I could to keep her entertained and not screaming. I also tried to keep the poodles quiet, who were barking quite a bit by now (I have to keep them separate from Kaiser, which they don't like).

I got V down for bed for the night by the time Chris got home. He gave Kaiser the antacids but after a further chat with the vet, decided that he better take Kaiser back to the vet (at Gatton) to get him checked out. So Chris left. It was now around 7:30. The poodles were still being extremely painful. So on my list of things I was going to do today due to Chris actually having a day off, all I achieved was run. I also got a headache, but that isn't on the list. I can't imagine ever being on top of things again. Right now, I am seriously cursing my mother for leaving me with her idiot poodles while she is off on a 3 month dream holiday. Tonight I want to hide under my doona and cry. I think I will at least try and load the dishwasher first, and fold some laundry.

Waiting to hear from Chris on what is wrong with Kaiser.

Red and Aqua

I must say, decorating V's nursery was the best part about being pregnant. It wasn't hard to be the best part, given that everything else was shit. I really did enjoy it though. I didn't want V to have a pink or purple nursery. I don't mind things to be 'girly' but the whole princess theme does my head in a bit. My favourite colour combination is red and aqua so I decided to go down that road. I only had a small space to work with too, as our larger spare rooms are quite far removed from the main bedroom, and I wanted V close to me. So here is the end result (the small space made it hard to photograph but you get the idea (and by "you" I mean my massive readership of course).

Along one of the longer walls I have the cot lengthways and the change table. I love this change table. It is a Boori one and has a chest of drawers underneath. The cot is also Boori and I was lucky enough to have that lent to me by a friend. On this wall I have an elephant decal that I got from The Wall Sticker Company. I am in love with this. It is the best quality of any wall decals that I have seen and they had a great selection of colours. My Aunt made me an amazing quilt for the cot which you can see below. I love this quilt. I looked everywhere for something like this and had no luck. Such a lovely gift. I also had an elephant mobile custom made in the red and aqua by the lovely ladies at French Martini Designs. You can see it is hanging above the change table. I think I need to lower it a little bit.

 One short wall is taken up almost entirely by a window, but I have brought it to life a bit with this gorgeous knitted bunting, also made by my Aunt. I love this bunting. I think it has a lot more character than regular bunting. I wish I had a white blind instead of the timber, but I didn't want to spend money replacing something that I already had so I just left it as it was.

The other long wall contains a double door, so there actually isn't terribly much space on that wall. I have a little cupboard and book case along here, both from Ikea. I tried to make this wall a bit more exciting by adding the lanterns, stuffed toys, framed photos of V's cousins and a few other little bits and pieces.

Finally there is the last short wall. I really love this wall. I got prints in red, aqua and grey of 'You are My Sunshine' lyrics (will check the store name for this) and then put them in some basic frames from Myer that I bought during their end of year sales. My mom took an old cane side table and spray painted it red that I have popped beside the cot as a little bedside table. I think it looks pretty rad.

 So that is it - V's room. She seems to really like it. If she didn't, I would have just moved in myself.

Stuff Your Judgement

I love cloth nappies. This view, after all the nappies are washed and put away, brings joy to my heart. Seriously.

That's my thing though, I don't care if other people do or don't use them. It is up to each parent what works for them. The reason I feel a need to post about this is because I often get two strange reactions when I mention that I use cloth.

1. Defensive
People start explaining to me why they don't use cloth. It makes me think that they feel judged. I get why they do too, because as a parent, you question everything you do and you are offered opinions disguised as advice from absolutely everyone. There is this video doing the rounds on social media at the moment, of this woman trying to get her twin toddlers to bed and they are making it awfully difficult for her. It has gone viral but along with a lot of laughs, this video has also caused the woman to get a lot of criticism for her parenting style. Seriously - the woman has twins for a start. I have enough trouble with one 4 month old baby, but twin two year olds - oh my. I haven't read the criticism as I know it will make my blood boil, but having watched the video, I think the woman deserves a gold star for being light hearted and seeing the funny side of it. Why are people so quick to judge? I am sure I have been guilty of this in the past too but I now try really hard to not judge if people do things differently to how I do.

So I like cloth. I like that it saves me money and it doesn't go into land fill. It works pretty well for me. Disposables work well for others. That's great. I can tell you now I would be a lot less keen on cloth if I lived in a cold climate or had twins or was a single parent or had a bub who didn't sleep or any number of other reasons that would make cloth difficult to manage.

2. Told 'that won't last'
This makes me so cranky. Maybe it won't last. Maybe I will go back to work and struggle with the washing. Why assume it won't though? Why be so horrible about it. I had a woman today, who has a 17 year old daughter, tell me that it won't work out and she knows as she is experienced. She told me all the reasons it didn't work for her 17 years ago. I explained that things are a bit different in cloth nappy land now, that it isn't all terry flats and pilchers with safety pins, but she just kept going on with all the reasons why it wouldn't work. "She will start sleeping through the night and wet through her nappy", "she will play outside in just her nappy and ruin it", yada yada yada. I'd just like to say that there was a time when cloth was the only option. You couldn't give up on it. So it is actually a possibility that I will manage to keep V in cloth until she is toilet trained. I know it isn't a certainty but I will be giving it a red hot go.

Fur Babies

In addition to a human baby, I have fur babies. I love my fur babies dearly, but unfortunately my beautiful german shepherd is very unwell and staying in the vet hospital right now. Sadly we had to say goodbye to our wonderful lab, Bailey not long ago too. Today I read a blog somebody had written about their last day with their dog, so I thought I would share my last week with Bailey. Yes, I stole this idea, but Bailey wouldn't mind

We had to say goodbye to you Bailey. After 14 wonderful years together, you were a bit tired and worn out around the edges. Your body ached, your tail wagged less and you were confused. We wanted desperately to keep you with us, but we knew you deserved a rest. Before we said goodbye, we decided to give you a special week, celebrating your life.

We went to the forest for a walk. You couldn't walk far, but you loved all the smells and spending special time with us.

We took you swimming in the river - one of your most favourite things to do. You spent a long time at the river, just swimming out a little way and then coming back. It made you tired but you thought it was worth it.

You went to visit your 'dog father'. He is your special friend who always looks after you and Kaiser when mummy and daddy go away. He spoils you but that is ok because you deserve to be spoilt and loved. You enjoyed sniffing all those familiar smells in his yard and having cuddles.

Some of your friends came to visit and gave you cuddles and kisses. You love cuddles and kisses and you give the best cuddles of any puppy I have ever known.

You had one last swim. Your lovely Aunty and Uncle came along for that swim and when you were too tired to swim, we had lunch at the cafe nearby. You got to have chips. In fact, you got to eat lots of goodies in that last week, like denta stix, pigs ears and chicken frames. You gained a bit of weight, but it didn't matter anymore.

On the day we said goodbye, mummy and daddy tried to be cheerful so you wouldn't feel stressed. We took you to the vet which is also one of your favourite things to do. The vet was also very sad and had tears in her eyes when we arrived. She has known you for a long time too, and looked after you since you have been old and sore. They gave you some medicine to calm you down, so you wouldn't feel scared or anxious. Mummy and Daddy gave you cuddles and listened to the sound of your tail wagging against the floor. After a while it stopped wagging and you were very peaceful. Then the vet came back and gave you a needle so you could go to sleep forever. Now you don't hurt anymore.

Mummy and Daddy took you home and buried you underneath a weeping willow. Mummy says it weeps for you always, just like she does. Kaiser, your baby sister V and your Grandma watched from the deck as we said our final goodbyes. When we came inside we found that some lovely friends had sent gifts to help us remember you and to make us feel a bit happy when we were so sad.

I miss you so very much. I miss your cuddles and your happy tail. I miss your floppy ears and your little happy dance before we gave you a treat. I don't miss you hurting though, so I know that it was right to say goodbye. Thank you so much for being such a beautiful, loyal and loving friend. You saved me.

Beneath this willow tree
Lies a friend so dear to me
Together we walked my darkest roads
Always leading me gently to the sunlight glow.

Now That I am a Dairy Cow

Just in case you haven't heard, 'breast is best'. This message is rammed so far down your throat during pregnancy that you might start to think you are poisoning your child if you give them formula. I do agree that the studies indicate breast milk is better than formula, and it logically makes sense to me too. What bothers me is that I think little thought is given to the mother's mental health.

Exclusively breast feeding can be exhausting and tie you to your child 24-7. It can mean that you can't leave your house for 3 hours without your child. I have a friend who loves that about breast feeding as she has an excuse to always be with her son, and I think that is trully wonderful. For me though, I need time to myself. I have always needed solitude. I also love the outdoors and being physically active. Luckily I have been able to express and leave my bub with a bottle so her dad or another carer can feed her. If you can't express though, then the only option is formula, or being permanently attached to your child.

About half the time of my ante-natal class was devoted to explaining why breast is best. Each person was given an item and had to explain what that item might indicate about the benefits of breast feeding. We got a stethoscope and the benefit was that your child is healthier so you spend less time at the doctors. One girl got a packet of the contraceptive pill. Erm... no, breast feeding is not a contraceptive! If you are trying to fall pregnant it might be a hindrance, but there are certainly a lot of breast feeding mums who fall pregnant. What annoyed me about this little exercise was that we didn't discuss the negatives of breast feeding, or even the positives of formula. So I would like to do that here. Here are some of the negatives that people don't really talk about:

* Engorgement. Why did nobody tell me about this? (OK one person did but she complained that nobody had told her)
* babies get teeth eventually.
* If you can't express, you can't leave your baby for more than 2-3 hours
* Your partner misses out on the bonding opportunity that feeding provides
* You might feel like a dairy cow - whenever I worry about things such as 'my supply' or when I hand express into a cup, I start to feel a little bovine.
* You have to get your boobs out all the time in public. A lot of people talk about how women should be made to feel comfortable feeding in public. The thing is, it isn't other people that make me uncomfortable. I never worry that other people will find it rude or offensive, I just don't like pulling up my shirt to expose my now flabby tummy. My daughter also likes to unlatch and look around a lot, just letting any passerby see my nipple. There are shawls and covers and these are great, but if my daughter is totally cracking it for a feed, I don't want to mess around, I get her straight to the boob.
* Your boobs keep changing size. I went and spent $180 on new sports bras and then my supply (moo) settled down a bit and my boobs got smaller. Awesome.
* Leakage. Sometime you don't just leak, you squirt milk like a sprinkler. Too bad if you forgot about putting nursing pads in your bra that day.

And here are some benefits of formula:
* Anyone can feed your baby!!! FREEDOM!
* Your partner has an additional opportunity for bonding with bub
* You can give formula cold. You can pre-prepare it, so it seems pretty convenient
* Your baby will go longer between feeds as it takes longer for them to digest formula


All up, I still choose to breast feed. I breast feed because it is free, my daughter's poos are far less offensive to the nose and it seems to be the healthier option. I have no issues expressing though. I might choose to mix feed if that was an issue for me. I would definitely be considering the importance of my mental health if I had to be permanently attached to my baby.

Brain Explosion

Just as there are good days, there are also bad days. Terrible days to be precise. On this occasion, I would like to call it 'The Camping Trip from Hell and the Aftermath'.

The Queens birthday long weekend seemed like an excellent camping opportunity so my best mate and I organised a trip to Byron with our little families. What could go wrong camping with a 2 month old and a 6 month old in the middle of winter? I felt pretty proud of myself for getting out there and doing things with my little one and introducing her to the great outdoors. I am now feeling a little embarrassed by my over confidence and wondering if maybe everybody else perceived me as a complete idiot, rather than brave.

Firstly, there was packing. I had no idea what to pack for bub so I packed everything. We were taking my parents campervan so me and L could sleep in there with our babies, so I just threw all of V's belongings in there. This led to us having a caravan we could barely move in and I couldn't find anything, like rubbish bags for nappies (yep fun times there).

On arrival, the receptionist informed me that we had sites 40 and 48 booked. "That doesn't sound like they are next to each other," I said. "They aren't," was the response. Apparently these things are not guaranteed. I am a little confused by this as when I made the booking we made sure the sites were side by side and there was no mention that this could change.I didn't complain as I didn't think it would really matter too much.

The worst part came on the second night though, when the skies opened up. Note to self: ALWAY BRING A TARP. It does not matter if you are in a caravan and have an awning, as rain comes in sideways sometimes. We had about 1 square metre of space to sit outside (and remember we couldn't sit inside as I had packed the contents of V's nursery in there). We considered that we could all sit in the tent, but with the bubs sleeping in the caravan, it wasn't really an option. There was a suggestion from the dads that we just watch them on the monitor but this was quickly shut down by L saying "we can't Madeline McCann the babies".

Next up on the agenda, the caravan started to leak. Then V started to scream. V has always been a good sleeper but she used the camping weekend to teach me what having a bad sleeper is like. I think we battled with her for about 2hrs to get to sleep. She eventually wore herself out from screaming. I went to bed too, hoping the gaffa tape would keep the rain out.

The next day the sun came out and I thought things might improve. The gaffa tape had held up. Surely we could have a nice walk around Byron and then play cards in the evening. It turns out that having two babies on different schedules and one who is quite sleep deprived, means things take a while. We eventually got our walk in but had to turn back before the lighthouse as the walk was not too stroller friendly after a certain point. Oh well, we could look forward to cards I thought...

Of course the skies opened up again. Oh well, we still had that square metre of dry space I thought. Then of course, V started screaming. She had found a new peak in volume. It was another two hour battle. The highlight of the evening came when V spat her dummy out on the ground so I went into the caravan to fetch a new sterilised one. As I walked back out of the caravan to give it to her, my feet slipped out from under me on the wet step and I fell right out of the caravan, grazing my neck and hurting my knee. I lay on the ground crying. I'm really not sure if it was because my knee hurt so much, or the trip had just become such a disaster. Eventually V went to sleep and so did I. The cards were not used, the boardgames stayed in the truck.

When we got home late on monday, I thought it would be good to get V back into her routine, but she screamed worse than ever. I had no idea what was wrong or how to settle her. It went on for hours and hours and when she did eventually sleep, it was only for short bursts. I was convinced I had damaged her by taking her camping. The next morning it was more of the same so I made an appointment with the doctor. As we were driving there, V started to sneeze and sniffle in the back of the car and by the time I was parked, it was pretty clear that poor bub had a cold. Things were on the improve I thought, as now I knew what was wrong. I hadn't damaged my child. We could get through this.

I got out of the car and pulled out the pram, only to discover that it was broken. Icing on the cake there.

The last few days have been pretty crappy. V sleeps for about 20 mins at a time and screams most the time she is awake. This morning I managed to pay some bills and eat breakfast. This is a huge accomplishment compared to what I have in the last two days. At some point I plan to start running again and getting things done. I just have to get over this wonderful cold that I have caught.

Still though, I am already planning our next trip. We will take a tarp or two this time, and make sure the camp sites are next to each other.

Good Days

I feel I need to start this with a disclaimer, before I get slammed. I understand that some parents who have babies who don't sleep, or are doing it on their own, or have twins (or more), or have an older kid/s and a baby, or have a baby with colic or special needs. I completely understand and feel for parents who don't get good days, or seldomly get good days.

I just wish people had told me beforehand, that good days happen. I guess a few people did, but for the most part I was told, and read about, how difficult it is to be a parent. The whole idea that it is the hardest job in the world, you never see your friends again, you work 24-7 blah blah blah. Maybe that is the reality for some people but I thought it might be the only reality once you spawned. When I mentioned that I might get some reading done while on mat leave, I was laughed at. I had started to imagine this situation where I got about 2hours of sleep a night and just did laundry and dealt with a screaming baby all day. The truth is though, for me at least, it is actually pretty good. In addition to having this magical, wonderful little bub, life in general is pretty good.

This is what a good day is like:
I get woken once or twice to feed bub during the night. This involves being up for about 20-30mins at a time. I wake up for the day around 7 and get bub dressed (the novelty of baby clothes is yet to wear off). We then spend about an hour hanging out on her play mat while she coos and ahs at her toys and gives me big smiles. She trys to roll over a bit but we still aren't there yet. Then she has a nap for about 90mins so I do a bit of laundry and clean up, then whatever takes my fancy. When she is up again we play some more, or I read to her, or sing nursery rhymes and make a general dick of myself, but she seems to find it very entertaining. Then she sleeps again. I usually take her out for a walk in her pram in the afternoon, or I put her in the Maduka carrier and go for a walk through the forest. She usually gets a bit cranky around 4, even on a good day, so I give her a bath around 4:30 to calm her down. She has fun pushing herself off the edge of the bath with her legs. We play more. We read a book. She goes to bed at 7. There are obviously nappy changes, feeds, sometimes a few outfit changes and a few chores that get done but all in all, I think it is pretty good. Beats my usual day job.

There are also the days we go out which are lots of fun. We go to nursery rhymes, or walking with friends, or just visiting people. I tend to get out and about a lot with bub. It throws out her routine sometimes, but it is no big deal.

Most of all though, I just love being a mum. I love watching her develop every day. I love discovering her personality. I love the cute gummy smile and baby talk. People did tell me about that of course.

Of course there are bad days, but they aren't as common as I thought they would be.